There is a shocking unwillingness and failure by
our society to listen to God-given instructions on parenting. Biblical
principles have been at best forgotten and at worse ignored – yet it is only
God, the Creator and Redeemer of sinners, who has the ultimate remedy and
solution to the whole aspect of being faithful parents and godly family
builders. This then explains why the society is disintegrating. Morality has
been spurned and the result is a common moral decadence. The only way to deal
with this situation is to acknowledge this unfortunate failure and take it to
God, in repentance and ask for forgiveness and wisdom in dealing with the
matter. The general attitude of bringing up children in the society is usually
not based on Biblical principles but mostly philosophical. There is no question
that there are pressure from society to adopt worldly standards, and there is
no problem if unbelievers accepted them. However, it is shocking that Christians
are embracing elementary principles of the world.
As a minister of the gospel, I consider it my
responsibility to explain God’s word to you so that you may be a better parent:
1) Biblical parenting has to begin with God
and His instructions
So I want to begin by begging you all, not consider
yourselves wiser than God. I encourage you go back to the Scriptures and learn
the mind of God in regard to method of parenting. God understands that our age
has produced children who do not obey their parents – see Romans 1:28; 2Timothy
3:2. This is a very serious sin and such children who are disobedient to their
parents are going to hell. So we better take this very seriously.
God has given us the Scriptures so that we can be
better parents, bearing in mind that God is Himself our Father and expects us
to relate with Him. He also expects us to take our parenting model from Him and
not from the world. Listen to what He has to say in His Word in Ephesians 6:1-4
Children, obey your
parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and
mother" (this is the first commandment with a promise), "that it may
go well with you and that you may live long in the land. “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in
the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
2)
Who is responsible for bringing up
children?
“Fathers...”
This does not mean parents because he could have said so like he did in verse
1… neither does it mean fathers and mothers because he has already used it in
verse 2! Fathers are held by God as directly responsible to bring up children
as a His delegated responsibility. While I say this I acknowledge that there
are those without fathers. This means that the role of father is being played
by someone else and this is the person who is being instructed here to be
responsible for the bringing up of the children. Obviously this is the role
only a parent can do, not a school.
In this country Fathers have relegated most part of
this responsibility to schools for the most of the time. TV and internet or
radio play a big role also in child upbringing in many homes. At best many
parents have given an for the church to do something in the lives of their children.
For other parents it does not matter. Interesting enough, the world will tell
you this for free,
Several research studies in the USA and Europe found that
church attendance practices of parents, especially fathers, can be highly
influential in forming the future church attendance practices of their
children. Wikipedia
Children are picked from home by the school bus at
5am if they are lucky, others will have to leave at 4am! The school next door,
a Christian School has their buses on at 3.30am! the children are brought to
school before 6am and leave after 9m! Schools particularly boarding schools
have taken this role so ‘well’ that they even give instructions to the
parents on when they can visit and see
their children – if you come any other time, for example, to pay fees, you will
not be allowed to your daughter or son! There is something very very wrong
here! Things are upside down.
For this reason we need to reconsider sending
children to boarding schools especially primary boarding schools. Obviously
children should be educated but in a way that does not take away God-given
responsibility from you. I have taught in a boarding primary and I can assure
you that the children there are begging for parental love and guidance. This is
why Guidance and Counselling and Psychology is a big business in the Kenyan
Schools. The government is investing in it because schools being torched by
these children. Why is there no home torched by irate children? Because children
consider school to be a prison of some sort!
A. What must the Fathers NOT DO?
" Fathers, do not provoke your children to
anger…”
a) Harsh
discipline and excessive punishment - this cannot secure obedience instead it will produce resentment. This can
be done out of either unbridled anger, hitting the child wherever the parent
wishes, venting his frustrations so that it is done in the most punitive
manner.
b) No
discipline at all – you feel that you do not want to ‘hurt your children’ etc.
we will deal with this later.
c) Inconsistent
standards - changing of goal posts.
a) Not
set too high standards
b) Unwillingness
to listen to the children
c) Simple
neglect - no time of the children
d) Inconsistent
life of the fathers or parents
B.
What
must fathers DO?
“Fathers,
… but bring them up in the discipline… of the Lord”
Bringing up the children is the same as nourishing
and nurturing them to become mature and responsible members of the society. In
the following areas:
1) Spiritually - teaching all your
children the Word daily.
a)
Instructing them to obey God's commands,
b)
Taking them to a good biblical church, where
they will be taught God’s Word faithfully
2) Intellectual – equip the mind and
instruct, train them into godliness, Instil wisdom and discipline. Teach them
to apply the knowledge in various areas of their lives.
3) Physical - nutrition, excise – make
sure that they are fed well and are playing or exercising enough
4) Social - taught to know how to relate
with older people, agemates, family responsibilities
5) Vocational - how to handle money, how
to fix stuff, to repair … Make sure that you give a life skill especially in
the use of their own hands. Gardening, mechanic, driving etc.
a) Discipline – bring
them up in the discipline … of the Lord.
This means educating with enforcement of action.
Mark the Word action… in this case you have to move into action. It is
education in five things above, enforcing what has been taught (Heb.12: 5-6)
Discipline is necessary because folly is bound up
in the heart of the child (Proverbs 22:15). Each child hugs and kisses
foolishness, that should be dealt with by spanking. It is because of the folly
that is bound up in the heart of the child that God has designed the rod of
discipline.
It is for this reason that God has said so clearly
that the rod of correction imparts wisdom (Prov. 29:15). And again, punish him
(a child) with the rod and save his soul from death (Prov. 23:14). A child who
refuses to be under authority is in a grave eternal danger and it is the
parent’s responsibility to rescue and save the children – timely and faithful
use of the rod is the God-ordained means of rescue. Clearly a child who will
not submit to parental authority is along with it rejecting God’s authority and
this is eternal death. Properly administered discipline humbles the heart of a
child, making him subject to parental authority.
We have however, to be aware that no discipline at
the time seems pleasant, but is painful. This by implication means that the rod
has to be administered in a manner that is painful! But later on it produces a
harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it
(Hebrews 12:11). The rod of discipline, while it brings with it pain, it also comes
with a harvest of righteousness and peace (with the parent and with the Lord
who is the Supreme and originator of all authority). We have to bear in mind
that the any child left to its own folly disgraces his mother… so discipline
your son and he will give you peace, he will bring delight to your soul (Prov.
29:15,17).
Instilling discipline in punishment - Prov.13:24;
19:18; 22:13-14
Spurgeon being taken out to see the gardens of his
host, saw lovely British flower gardens, very well tendered. And then there was
this bush that had weeds and diseased and unsightly! Mr. Spurgeon asked why
that was left like that. The host said, “I have left that to its own
discretion!” When children will be left without tender care, and attention in
terms of discipline, they will soon be like that unsightly bush. All you need
to do to prove this is, take a walk up the street in town and find the street
kids – they are called street urchins!
WHAT IS
THE ROD OF DISCIPLINE?
a) A
Parental exercise – physical discipline has to be packaged with the on-going
parent-child love.
b) An
Act of Faith – we do it not because we know how exactly it works but because
God has commanded us to us it.
c) An
Act of Faithfulness – towards the child. Knowing that there is hope and it is
unwillingness of the parent to be party to his child’s death.
d) A
Responsibility – it is the parent determining to obey God as His representative
in the life of the child.
e) A
Physical Punishment – the careful, timely, measured and controlled use of
physical punishment without anger, frustration or malice. Remembering that man’s
anger does not produce the righteous life that God desires (James 1:20).
f) It
is a Rescue Mission – it is designed to bring back the child from its
foolishness and doom to life.
We must never over react to our backgrounds of
harshness or of vacuum and lack in discipline. Rather we should be guided by
God in His Word as to how to go about this important task in the bringing up of
our children.
There are people who have all sorts of objections
against discipline:
i)
I love my children too much to spank and hurt
them – it is understandable but the more important question is who benefits
from the spanking? Who is at risk left with the spanking? He who spares the rod
hates the child, but he who loves is careful to discipline (Prov. 13:24)
ii)
I am afraid that I will hurt him – but the
biblical instruction is, “Do not withhold discipline form a child; if you
punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his
soul from death.” (Prov. 23:13-14)
iii)
I am afraid it will make him rebellious and
angry – discipline brings peace in the home for the parents – Proverbs 29:17
iv)
It doesn’t work – It will not work if used
inconsistently, failure to persist in it until there is change on the child,
failure to be effective as the child feels no pain, doing it in anger (when the
child feel that it is unjust). But it does work because it a God-given
prescription!
v)
I am afraid of the government authorities who
may arrest me for child abuse – while you have to be careful with those who
could report you and so do it privately, but the basic question is will you
obey God or men?
Verse that
talk about Discipline:
1.
Proverbs
23;13-19
2.
Proverbs
23:22
3.
Proverbs 2326
4.
Proverbs
18:2 – the need to train the children to articulate their thoughts and feelings
honestly and clearly.
5.
Proverbs
22:15 – folly is bound up in the heart of the child
Yet I consider that more than discipline, the most
difficult part of parenting is to do with instruction. This is positively seeking
to educate your children unto good works.
b) Instruction - bring them up in the …
instruction of the Lord.
This is instructing in words in specifics so as
to produce a life change … it is to admonish - Acts 20:31; Or instruction and
reasoning (1Cor. 10:11); and warning them (Tit.3:10). We are talking of
communication with your children here. In many homes communication involves
setting rules, followed by correction and then discipline. I want to add to
these the following things important for instruction in the Lord:
Encouragement
|
Designed to inspire, fill with hope, courage
|
Correction
|
Bringing into conformity to standard
|
Rebuke
|
Censuring behaviour – get the child to experience
your sense of alarm, shock, dismay at what he has done or said
|
Entreaty
|
Intense, earnest communication – involving pleading,
soliciting, urging and even begging – Proverbs 23:26
|
Instruction
|
Providing lessons, precepts or information – Psalm
119:98-100, 104
|
Warning
|
Merciful speech, alerting one to stay from danger or
ruin – Proverbs 12:24; 13:18; 14:23; 15:1; 16:18; 17:19; 19:15. Warn them
using Scriptures as well as real life examples
|
Teaching
|
The process of imparting knowledge
|
prayer
|
Praying with the child is important, as they hear
parents communication with God and consequently learn how to pray that way.
As parent hear the child pray, one will get to know them more
|
The specific instruction is to instruct them in the
word of the Lord. When you punish them it is in obedience of the Lord. Those
who think that they blew it, can still seek out older children and ask them for
forgiveness and tell them your desire is to make a change for its never too
late to change. Basically Parenting Communication involves rules, correction and discipline. But communication
is the preventative method.
We are doing everything we can to give our son the foundation and understanding he needs to succeed in his faith. I've been reading a great new book by Dr. Tony Evans. One of the goals of the book is to help parents grow in confidence as they discover their worth as a parent based on God's Word. He says just what you are saying, "Instructing your children in the Lord means spending time with them so they can see how you live out the gospel." It’s called "Raising Kingdom Kids: Giving Your Child a Living Faith." He says, "It's far easier to SHAPE A CHILD than to REPAIR AN ADULT. Raising kids who recognize and retain their identity as children of the King launches healthy adults who have the capacity to stand strong in their faith." Equipping and guiding our children starts with us, parents! This is the most solid, thorough, inspirational and affirming parent book I've ever read! I love it and HIGHLY recommend it for all parents! www.raisingkingdomkids.com
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